did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh god it's open bar.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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