okay pat passed out under dana's car
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
