One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
