If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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