I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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