I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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