Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
