good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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