I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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