There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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