Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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