What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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