She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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