I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
