When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
