i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
