I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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