I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
