Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize