Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize