I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
