I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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