woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
