My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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