Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
