I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
