Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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