JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
