he thought i was a dude.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
