Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
