so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize