i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
