end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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