I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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