That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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