You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
