Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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