Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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