I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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