i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
