Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dignity is for republicans.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize