I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
