I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
