if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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