your room smells of hookers.
And success
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
