I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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