she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Found your dick twin last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize