Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
