just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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