Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
