OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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