My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
