did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
