My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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