I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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