I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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