I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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