She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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