I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
