I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Randomize
