I cannot find my penis.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
