I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
