I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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